Memories and Milestones

The end of the school year used to be something I counted down to. As a teacher it meant free time and rest. Now as a teacher with children of my own, it is quite a bit more emotional. Every end of year event the girls have to celebrate how far they have come over the course of the past year carries the weight of one more thing I have to do alone. The recitals, class awards, etc… can be a lot for any parent and for the solo parent, it’s one more thing splitting your time, again, and a reminder that the responsibility of everything falls on you. It’s a time of year when the calendar and society say to pack it all in and move fast, but my spirit is telling me to slow down.

This spring my youngest graduated kindergarten and it hit me particularly hard. I’m sure it’s an emotional milestone for every parent because it marks the end of a season and the beginning of the real elementary years. For me, it was one more celebration my daughter had without her dad. She was too young when Taylor died to even have memories of what it’s like to celebrate with both parents. I was looking through old photos about a week before and came across pictures from Charlotte’s third birthday. She had never had a real party before and I was determined to make the celebration happen. The pictures were candid shots someone took of just the two of us, singing in the kitchen before cake. All I could think was that she and I have been doing these celebrations and milestones alone almost her whole life. Then I looked closer at the pictures and saw that she was happy.

It’s hard to look back at old birthday photos or close the chapter on kindergarten because it means those early years over and I feel like I missed so much of it while I was busy just trying to simply survive. Looking at the photos and talking with Margot and Charlotte about their memories, I can see that my girls aren’t aware of how emotional it can be for me sometimes to show up for them. On the days when I’ve felt like I can’t keep showing up alone, God always gives me the strength to fulfill the role I’ve been called to in this season. God promises to equip us with all the tools and support we need to fulfill His calling. As hard as it is sometimes to carve the time and show up with a smile on my face, nothing beats the faces of my children when they spot me in the crowd at every celebration to support them. It’s the look that assures me I am right where I am supposed to be.

“Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.”

Hebrews 13:20-21

While we still have lots of tears in our house and my children see the world in a way that is beyond their years, I know that it is the world God prepared them for. I know it is a world where God knew everything they would face before He even knit them together in my womb, and they are thriving. The greatest blessing in my life is that my children know and love the Lord. They can trust that every adversity or broken heart they face, He has already gone ahead and prepared a way for them and will walk them through.

The end of this school year has reminded me to slow down and take it all in, while not being afraid of moving forward. Parents of young children often hear the advice, “the days are long, but the years are short.” It refers to the day to day difficulties of parenthood, but reminds us that babies don’t keep and children grow up whether we are ready for them to or not. I think as adults, we forget that we also grow up in God’s divine timing whether or not we desire to. The years will come and pass despite how we are spending our time. We can worry about each challenge we face on those long days or choose to not be anxious about anything. We know that tomorrow will worry about itself so all we need to do is focus on the gift of the moment at hand. If we can trust that God will equip us with the tools to face every challenge He has allowed to come before us or ministry He has called us to, we know that we will be able to look at our lives 5, 10, 50 years down the road and know that we didn’t waste any of our days. When you have faith in God’s provision, it’s impossible to let fear keep you from missing out on the joys of each day.

Love, Molly

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