God-Given Gumption®

Love Letter After Loss

Wednesday morning after Taylor died, I got up about 4 am. Margot slept next to me in my bed the night before. I picked up a journal and sat on my bathroom floor so the light wouldn’t wake her. I began writing. My pen could hardly keep up with the thoughts racing in my mind. I know there is still so much more I could have said, but today I wanted to share the words I wrote for Taylor in those first days.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”
John 15:13

Taylor was not perfect. That should go without saying on account of, like the rest of us, he was human. I truly believe, though, that he would have gladly given his life to save just one person that attended his funeral. My prayer is that the message of Taylor’s unwavering faith reached someone that needed to hear it. You can ask Jesus into your heart at any time and under any circumstance…He will be there eagerly awaiting your invitation. The following letter was read at Taylor’s service on my behalf by our pastor and dear friend, Sean Lee. A copy of this writing was also taken by a friend to Israel in March and placed in the Western Wall. She shared with me that at first there was not a place to leave the notes and prayers she had traveled with. After asking God’s assistance, she was led to place my letter in the tunnels closest to the Holy of Holies, where the Foundation Stone and the Dome of the Rock are located. This is considered the most sacred part of the wall where the presence of God dwells.

Prayers tucked inside the wall of the deep tunnels.

February 14, 2020

Taylor and I were quite opposite in many ways. Classic examples of an extrovert and introvert. I feel most comfortable when I am at home and my husband was my home. For Taylor, the bigger the crowd the better. Taylor was never afraid of dying because he knew with his whole heart where he was going. He would joke that “The only bad thing about dying is that my funeral will be all of my favorite people together in one place and I will have to miss it.”

When I was fourteen, a youth minister said something to our youth group that really stuck with me. I think of this advice as one of the most precious gifts that I have ever received. He told us to ‘start praying now for your future spouse, pray for their heart and the work God is doing in their life. Make a list of all the things you want in a husband and pray for this person.’ At fourteen, I went home and made my list. I tucked it away and never really referred back to it, but I prayed for the life of the man God had picked out for me every night.

When we were twenty-four, Taylor and I met at the wedding of our dear friends, Grace and Todd. Again, we were quite opposite-he was concerned, as always, with making sure everyone was having the best night ever and keeping the party going, while I was doing my best to be a dutiful bridesmaid and keep everything under control. I don’t think anyone at that wedding would have put the two of us together, but when I met Taylor, I instantly had a feeling of home because I had already known this man in my prayers for ten whole years.

Sometime before our own wedding, we were staying at my parents’ house and I found my list in my old bedroom. I was able to read this to Taylor and we laughed as we put a check mark next to every single item on that list, with one exception…he was not from Texas. But, I think a rancher from Southeastern New Mexico was close enough.

We met New Years Eve 2011 and had a fairytale romance. We said “I love you” for the first time on February 10, 2012. Although Taylor always claimed he said it sooner, this is the date I remembered. Eight was both of our favorite number and we had a perfect eight years of love.

Even when we quarreled or had times we were getting on each other’s nerves; we always knew that we were in this for the long haul and loved each other deeply. We also never took for granted how blessed we are to have parents and grandparents with marriages we could look up and aspire to. I am eternally grateful for their support. I am especially grateful for the love and advice from Taylor’s mother, Kathryn.

Growing up in Fort Worth around all of your own family does not exactly prepare you to move away to a smaller town and lead this western lifestyle. Kathryn married Taylor’s father, Mark, at just eighteen years old and moved up to the ranch we call Upper Place shortly thereafter. Kathryn, along with her own mother in law, Lauralea, knew what it meant to be married to a Marley Man.

Kathryn,

You have been the Naomi to my Ruth, my confidant and friend. I am so thankful for all of the support and advice you provided me in my young marriage. I am thankful to you and Mark for the foundation you provided Taylor. I never once heard him recount a negative experience from his childhood or at any point in his life for that matter. Taylor would tell me often if he could ask God one question it would be, “Why am I so blessed?”

The scripture that has been placed on my heart is “Be Still and know that I am God.” In the stillness, I feel Taylor with me. In the stillness, I am comforted knowing God’s plan is bigger than any of us can fathom and I am so incredibly blessed to have been gifted with being a part of His plan for Taylor. I know so strongly that these words, “Be still” placed on my heart are a gift from God, and the irony of this phrase is not lost on me, because if you knew Taylor, you know being still was not one of his many capabilities.

If you knew Taylor, you knew that he loved God, ranching, football and his family with his whole being. He was so close with and so proud of his sister Kate. He loved joking around with and incessantly teasing his mom, Kathryn, and his dad was truly his best friend in the entire world. I will always remember the joy in Taylor’s face when he introduced his father, Mark Wade Marley, to our youngest daughter, Charlotte Wade Marley, named in honor of his best friend and greatest role model.

Taylor’s love for his family was a big reason he fit in so perfectly with mine. My brother was his brother, my sister was his sister and he was my parents’ fourth child. We never took for granted how special this bond was. We even had a group text among all of our siblings named “Best Friends Winners Club.” This past year we had the pleasure of getting to know Kate’s boyfriend, Will. After spending a lot of time together over Christmas, Taylor and I were so tickled that Kate may have found us another brother and that Will had the seal of approval to join the ‘Best Friends Winners Club.’

Taylor was a 6^th generation rancher and took great honor in continuing this family legacy. His grandfather, Papa Bob, was his personal hero and Taylor worked hard, with a smile on his face, every day to build something that Papa would be proud of. Taylor never once complained of the workload or demanding physical labor he took on because he knew how blessed he was for the opportunity to do it. He would say, no matter the situation, the one thing you can always control is your attitude, so make it a good one.

In 2016 we welcomed our daughter, Margot, and in 2018 her sister, Charlotte. Taylor could not have been prouder to welcome our girls into the Marley family and bring up the 7^th generation on the ranch. He loved teaching our girls to love the land and animals, and instilled in them a hard work ethic and love of family and God’s creation, just as his father had taught him and Kate. Taylor would take our oldest, GoGo, with him to feed cows whenever he could, and would beam with pride when she would come home and tell me all the ranching advice she had taken in while she was helping Daddy. We loved going in the pickup as a family to check pastures or “make a circle” and will always cherish the life Taylor provided us, allowing his girls to join him at work, drop off lunch, or just steal a kiss on Pine Lodge Highway.

Simply put, this isn’t fair. I know a lot of people are saying that they can’t imagine how I am getting through this right now, but in Taylor’s words, my attitude is the only thing I can control. I am so incredibly blessed! Taylor and I know how fortunate we are to have been raised in the church and to have accepted Jesus Christ into our hearts.

Psalm 139:16

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

I will never understand, but I take comfort in my trust that God’s plan is perfection beyond my understanding. God ordained Taylor 32 years on this earth. I know with my whole heart that Taylor was the man chosen for me. God knew before he formed me in my mother’s womb that I would have the strength to climb out of this darkest valley. Today, I know that I am so incredibly privileged because I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I have had the honor of being Taylor’s wife. Eight years of loving Taylor Marley and the honor of being the mother to his children are gifts far greater than I could have ever imagined at fourteen years old when he first came into my life through prayer.

God has me. God has Taylor.

I will see you again, my love.

Love, Molly

A Friend Loves at All Times

Even the most introverted of us needs good friends to successfully navigate through life. Trustworthy companions to offer support, keep us accountable and most of all, love us through the ups and downs. I am truly amazed by the support I received and continue to be blessed with from the people I am fortunate enough to call friends. The friends who picked me up off the floor, Taylor’s aunts who tucked me in and rubbed my head until I fell asleep, all the women that stayed at the house cleaning, cooking and making difficult phone calls on my behalf, my sorority big sister, Saskia, who drove straight away from Texas and just climbed in bed to hold me without saying a word, my best friend since high school and Margot’s godmother, Lauren, who protected and shielded me through everything. I am grateful for every single one of them and that doesn’t even begin to cover the list of those I owe thanks to.

What has amazed me the most is how all of my friends have seemed to know exactly what I needed before I even knew what I needed or how to ask for it. I pray that I can be that kind of friend for others, the one who knows exactly what to say and what to do. I’ve said multiple times since losing Taylor that this journey of grief gets a little bit easier and a whole lot harder every day. About three months after his death was when I hit my lowest point so far. I couldn’t go five minutes without crying. Taylor’s mom scooped up the girls and took them to her house so I could have some time to myself to just let it out.

I went three days where I couldn’t eat, could hardly get out of bed and had no energy to even wipe away the tears. I had ignored all phone calls. Our Roswell mom group that threw Margot’s birthday party has a group text that was going off. I hadn’t participated in the discussion, but finally picked up to text my friends that the shock was starting to wear off. I told them I didn’t need anything, but I could really use some prayers that day. I have never experienced the power of prayer like I have since going through a traumatic loss and I can now attest to how real it is. All of my girlfriends responded with a prayer.

Later that day, I was still curled up in the fetal position in an oversize chair in our den. My friend Kate called but I still couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. A couple minutes later a text came in…she said that she was with the other girls and they were about 5 minutes from my gate (our ranch is about 25 minutes out of town). I thought to myself that I wasn’t sure if I wanted company and had every right not to let them in. I ended up answering the door and immediately burst into tears as I welcomed their hugs, despite the social distancing guidelines. We visited for a few hours while they gave me space to cry about Taylor and talk and laugh about all kinds of things.

“When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.”
Job 2:11

With some of our friends at a Murder Mystery Christmas party in 2018. Taylor (as Rudolph) was voted best actor.

While working through my trauma, the times I have been with friends I have always felt an overwhelming sense of peace. That peace is a reminder to me that everything is going to be OK because God will ultimately use my loss and everything else in this world for good. It is also a reminder that He never intended for us to face the hard times alone. God put so many wonderful people in my life and in Taylor’s. The Lord has even provided us with a handbook on how to be a good friend. At the beginning of the book of Job, the grieving man’s friends demonstrate the importance of showing up and just being with someone who is hurting. Yes, the bible is filled with so much advice on how to be a good friend and if there is just one verse you can take away on the topic of friendship, remember Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Love, Molly

Vitamin Sea

My siblings, Harriet and Charles, were able to join us for part of the journey.

In the middle of June, the girls and I set out on a summer adventure with my parents, GrandMary and Captain. When I was growing up, my dad worked as a sea captain in the Merchant Marines. He made a career change as my siblings and I began getting older so that he could be home more. I am forever grateful for the family time that change allowed us. My dad spent his entire life calling land-locked Fort Worth, Texas home, but never lost his love of all things maritime. Now that he is semi-retired, he has been spending more time at sea and has embarked with my mom on the Great American Loop. They were delayed on their journey this year for obvious reasons, but with hurricane season approaching, the girls and I joined them to move their boat up the east coast as far north as we could.

I was grateful for the chance to be relieved from the sole and daily responsibility of feeding and taking care of the girls. We drove from their house to St. Augustine, Florida and back in an RV to avoid public stops and quarantine as much as possible. The boat was the same way. It was as good a place as any to practice social distancing and I had the luxury of my mom taking care of all the meals. Some people might think it’s crazy to drive cross country and willingly set out to sea in a confined space with small children for a month, but getting away from home and spending time on the water with my family was a welcomed and pressure free opportunity for me. I got to enjoy the fresh air and form some special new memories with my parents and now family of three. Also, as cliche as it may sound, being present in the vastness of the open water is one of the greatest ways to tune in to God’s truly amazing creation that is our world.

My family has always been close, but we were never the best at expressing ourselves or talking about feelings. Working through my grief with losing Taylor, I found that my mom and dad were some of the hardest people for me to talk to. That has subsided now and we enjoyed lots of quality time together, but I felt guilty over my inability to open up to them at first. I could always sense their pain and it hurt me deeply on top of my own. They loved Taylor like their own son and they certainly love me. As a mother myself, I know that you would do anything to protect your child from heartache. Not only did they lose a child, but their daughter is working through unimaginable suffering. I felt like I needed to comfort them myself and couldn’t bear to see them grieving for my loss.

“Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to the others.”
Romans 12:4-5

I started taking medication around two months after the accident that, for the most part, keeps the nightly tears at bay, but leaves me in constant terror of who I will be talking to when the floodgates occasionally do open. The UPS man? My daughter’s preschool teacher? The unsuspecting teenager bagging my groceries? These hypothetical interactions keep me up at night and I want to preemptively apologize to anyone who might make eye contact with me and trigger the release of my trauma. I try hard not to think about it, but can’t help worrying who will be in the line of fire when the next breakdown comes.

Sometimes the people closest to us are the ones that are hardest to talk to and I think this is why we have a tendency to avoid our loved ones when it comes to serious conversations, but can occasionally connect to and open up with strangers. I believe that God facilitates those connections. The Lord created us all with special gifts and to work together in this world because we are all part of the same body-His body. If someone confides in you, honor their confidence. If you find it strange they would choose you to share things with because you didn’t think you were that close, appreciate that they felt safe enough to open up to you and know God has chosen to connect you with another one of his children. Know too that your loved ones want to help you and are ready to listen and be there for you. We owe it to them to be honest if that’s difficult instead of pushing them away or avoiding. The Lord tells us to be kind to one another, to encourage each other and He did not intend for us to go through life alone. Be aware as you go through your day that everyone you cross paths with has been put in your life for a reason.

Love, Molly