The Other Shoe

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I woke up refreshed the other day. Normally my teaching schedule requires me to leave the house far too early, but when I can, I like to get in an early workout before school. The other morning, I got out of bed at the sound of my first alarm and was ready to welcome my day well before the sun was up. It wasn’t until I was on my way to pilates that I thought to myself, I’m actually rested and awake. My alarm went off and my first thought wasn’t about how tired I was or that I didn’t want to get out of bed yet and I didn’t drag my feet while getting ready still half asleep. This restfulness was a new and unsettling feeling…That’s when the panic set in.

Trauma is a funny thing. After realizing that what I was feeling was something different than the survival mode that had become my norm, I was instantly taken back to that morning before Taylor died, the last time I felt rested. I had been at the gym that morning before work too. The early, pre-work class was a part of my ordinary routine and I remember visiting with my friends about our plans for the week as if any of us had any control over tomorrow. It all seemed so normal. As a mom, the gym was my personal respite from caregiving and my job, a sanctuary of autonomy. I was always grateful for these normal parts of my day.

While coping with trauma, I have come to expect certain triggers and responses, but never would have expected that feeling rested would be one. However, it makes sense that uneasiness would overtake me when the last time I started my day feeling at peace, my world came crashing down. What doesn’t make sense is being wary of that feeling because scripture tells us that peace comes from God and we are called to live in that peace.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

-Philippians 4:6-7

As inhabitants of a broken world, we will all face trials and circumstances that threaten our peace. The devil comes to kill, steal and destroy and he is often successful since we often allow him to be. God wouldn’t waste scripture warning us about our great adversary if he wasn’t going to put up a tough fight. The thief of our peace uses many tactics to deceive and pull us away from our relationships with Christ. This corruption of peace can look like doubt during times of trial such as a divorce, parenting struggles, a hard diagnosis, death of a loved one, etc…

This corruption of peace can also look like anxiety during times of normalcy. Sometimes after we have experienced a traumatic event, we get too caught up in waiting for the other shoe to drop instead of enjoying all the blessings in front of us. Living with anxiety is living in opposition of God’s instruction for our lives. I realize that it is much easier said than done, but we are meant to be at peace during all aspects of our lives. We are specifically told we don’t have to understand it, but we are called to practice gratitude and accept the peace that comes from God. That peace is the gift of freedom.

Love, Molly

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