At the end of May, I opened an email congratulating me on four years of God-Given Gumption®. Four years of writing this blog means that Taylor has been gone now for four years. As hazy as those first few months after Taylor’s accident were, I do remember that memorial weekend four years ago. I had retreated to the family cabin in Ruidoso with Margot, Lola, and Taylor’s parents for most of the spring as we all tried to continue to move forward. His sister, Kate, and her boyfriend (now husband and uncle to my girls), Will, joined for the long weekend as our family went through the motions of living our new normal.
Due to the covid lockdowns, the online school year had just come to an end. As detrimental as keeping children out of school was, I was honestly grateful for the opportunity to ease back into work and connect with my students and fellow teachers without the pressure of being in the classroom full time. Teaching from the comfort of my couch during the most uncomfortable time in my life was a genuine gift for me. It was just another example of God working for the good of those who love Him, in all things, even a global pandemic.
To cope with the shock and grief of young and sudden widowhood, I journaled fervently those first few months. I think it was a practice in controlling what I could control, but I took comfort in writing out “I Know” statements. For example, “I know God is good.” “Because of the scriptures, I know that He knows all the days ordained for us before one ever came to be.” “I know that the day Taylor died was already written in His book, and part of my life as well, before either of us were knit together.” During the lockdown, having grown accustomed to staying in with my laptop, the call to publicly share my reflections on God’s constant goodness was placed on my heart and God-Given Gumption® was born.
“Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalm 23:6
The reminder that I have been sharing God’s goodness through my story for four years was a reminder that Taylor has now been gone for half the time I knew him. A recent conversation with my oldest, Margot, brought about the realization that I have now known her longer than I knew her dad. This had me reflecting on grief and where the last four years have taken our family as I have now been Taylor’s widow for half the amount of time I was his wife. Half-life is a term that is used to describe the time it takes for the strength of something like a medication or radioactive isotope to decrease by half.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t follow a scientific formula and the weight of our trials doesn’t lighten in a calculated timeframe. The pain of the struggles we all face doesn’t get continually cut in half until it is eventually gone. We all walk through valleys and wear the battle scars of what we have been through. The good news is that God walks through those valleys with us. His goodness and love follow us all of our days, even the hardest ones. He surrounds us with loved ones and familiar comforts. He leads us into new adventures and sends new people into our lives to help lighten the load. Above all, He works for the good of those who love Him.
Love, Molly
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