Another Lap Around the Sun

While I haven’t written anything to share publicly in a while, I have been reflecting a lot the past few months as our family continues to move forward in a dynamic that we didn’t choose. As the girls began 3rd grade and kindergarten this year, lots of new questions and comments about their dad arose as they grew developmentally and began to process their loss from a new perspective. I think the hardest thing about this current stage is their awareness of how others might see their grief. After church on Father’s Day, Margot told me that her Sunday School class had a lesson on how God is our Heavenly Father. The children were then asked what they loved about their own dads and my heart broke when Margot told me she felt too embarrassed to say anything.

Likewise, her little sister who used to never be embarrassed by anything and confidently wore costumes and elaborate ensembles everywhere she went up until the point she had to wear a uniform was all of the sudden concerned about needing to “blend in.” Every Friday morning this fall when the girls could wear jeans and a school t-shirt, Charlotte would melt down about her outfit not going together and insisting that “this was kindergarten and she needed to fit in for kindergarten.” We had lots of frustrating mornings trying to get her to put on an outfit and get out the door. Most frustrating of all was seeing my baby so upset about not blending in when God created her to stand out.

After weeks of these morning break downs, I was eventually able to get my 6 year old to open up about what was really bothering her and where this need to look like everyone else was coming from… She had a lot of new kids in her class this year and didn’t think they knew about her dad. Since Charlotte was transitioning to kindergarten in the same school and building where she did preK and was in a class with all of her best girlfriends, it never occurred to me how difficult it would be to have to share what made her different with a whole new group of kids and with an advanced developmental understanding from when she first started her new school.

I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. For the sake of Jacob my servant, of Israel my chosen, I summon you by name and bestow on you a title of honor, though you do not acknowledge me. I am the LORD, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me, so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting people may know there is none besides me. I am the LORD, and there is no other. I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.”

-Isaiah 45:2-7

As a new year has begun, my calendar is reminding me of approaching anniversaries…what would be our 11th wedding anniversary followed by 5 years since we lost Taylor. This has brought about the realization that I have been a widow almost as long as I was a wife. I have spent more years as a single mother than I did parenting with a partner. In dealing with difficult parenting situations alone, I also realize that I have to lean into God more than ever, knowing and trusting that he has prepared me for everything I will face. I know that every struggle thrown my way will be tackled head on with the proper tools and wisdom the Lord divinely provides. I have to remind myself not to worry about future concerns and questions my daughters will have on their grief journey because as those moments arise, God in His perfect timing will equip me with everything I need. I don’t have to burden myself worrying about feeling lost because I know that the map will continue to unfold when I get to that point in the road.

Margot once said about losing her dad that it was “kind of like having a bear at a picnic.” She explained that her life was great up until she was almost four years old and woke up one morning to be told her daddy died. She said to imagine having a perfect picnic set up for a special celebration and then a bear comes out of the woods and destroys it. The bible tells us that in this world we will have trouble. There will always be a bear ready to stumble into our path and cause chaos. Thankfully, when your picnic gets disrupted, God has already handed you the bear spray. In the book of Isaiah, God anoints Cyrus (the Persian king) as the one who will free the Jews from captivity. Even though Cyrus was a nonbeliever, God showed his Almighty power by paving the way for Cyrus’s mission. Likewise, God has called each one of us for the season we are currently walking through already knowing the troubles we will encounter. Whatever bears you find yourself dealing with in the new year, rest easy knowing that God has already provided you the strength you need to face them.

Love, Molly

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