Doubt From the Devil

As I’ve put my words out into the world, I have opened myself up to a kind of exposure I am not used to. I have always been an introvert and have never felt the need to share my life with others who I don’t know on a personal level. I’ve never really been one to post on social media much. I go to the gym regularly without letting people know on Facebook and I donate my time and finances to worthy causes without the need to promote my good deeds with a hashtag. Broadcasting my life online just really isn’t me. However, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I have received from posting my blog and even more touched by the number of people it has reached that have witnessed God’s glory through my words. As that number continues to grow, I’ve also been overwhelmed by feelings of doubt.

Who am I to share a message that people would want to listen to? I never went to seminary school or majored in biblical studies. Who am I to preach God’s word when I am not perfect? I mean, I sin on a daily basis. I’ve definitely made my fair share of mistakes in this life. I haven’t always been the best friend or teacher or mother. What if someone overhears a curse word slip out of my mouth and thinks less of me and my words spoken to praise the Lord? I would be lying if I said my personal journals were not filled with colorful language (I mean, my husband was only was thirty bleeping two). When our oldest, Margot, picked up a certain four letter word around 15 months, people would get on to Taylor about it. They all thought he was joking when he told them she had heard it from me. These days I’m more concerned with other phrases my current toddler, Charlotte, has picked up from me, like walking past Taylor’s urn and giving it a “Hey, babe!”

Earlier this week I read an excerpt from the book Relentless by Michele Cushatt. In addressing her own PTSD, Cushatt stated that, “One of the most dangerous Christian practices (and expectations) is the compulsion to present a put-together, unflappable faith.” This really hit home. I don’t want anyone to judge me negatively for what I am sharing or compare their own grief experience by thinking that I am somehow “handling this.” Believe me, every waking moment is dedicated to processing my PTSD from the night Taylor didn’t come home, and the only thing I have to get me through each day is my faith.

As I struggle with this doubt and wonder if I (a sinner) am worthy enough to share God’s word, I am reminded of a conversation my friend Sarah and I had years ago. We were talking about a different topic, but her sentiment was that the devil would want me to feel this way. The enemy hates all that is good and would do anything to stop the sharing of God’s goodness. We live in a fallen world and that has allowed the enemy to plant seeds of doubt and inadequacy in my mind.

“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

1 Peter 5:8

Sarah’s advice is something that has stayed with me all these years because I had never thought of my insecurities in this way before. The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. When I am alert and aware of his evil tactics, I can call upon the Lord to guide me through. If you are having doubts or anxieties about something in your life, is it possible that the devil is in your ear, drawing you further into a secular mindset? Be alert! Cast all of your anxieties on God and call upon Him to shepherd you through times of doubt.

Love, Molly

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